Skewed view

Mitch Hedberg died too young. Wicked funny:
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home and there's more to it than that!
"Want some more Sprite?"
"Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!"

One time someone asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said no; but I want a regular banana later so...yeah.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Do you believe in Gosh?

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn. I think that the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around, then when I finally make it in the guy will say, "Can I help you, sir?" and I'll say, "Just practicing."

Man.....phone numbers are confusin'!! All those numbers to remember...It would be a lot easier if you could pick your own number. If I could, I'd choose 222-222-2222.......That way, all I would have to tell my friends is "Just dial 2 'til I say 'hello'."

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

So, I'm wearing a V-Neck shirt. I can't wear regular shirts, because I have a sensitive neck. I can't stand turtlenecks, either, it's like a really weak guy choking you, all day. If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like having a midget trying to take you down.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Man, I think Pringles must've been a laid back company. I think they were originally going to make tennis balls, but a truckload of potatoes showed up. They were like "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I dont need a receipt for the doughnut - Ill just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We dont need to bring ink and paper into this. I cant imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? Dont even act like I didnt buy a doughnut, Ive got the documentation right here. Oh wait, its back home in the file under D, for doughnut.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree

I went to see Monster Magnet last night. Man they were heavy. The lead singer came out and said "How many of you feel like human beings?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" and the audience went crazy. But I started cheering after the human beings part, because I did not realize there was a second part to the question.

My manager says that I use alcohol as a crutch. But that is not true. Because a crutch is something that helps you stand up, while alcohol is more like the step I didn't see.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

my apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. way better than cockroaches. when I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. and I don't want them to, you know, i'm like, "hey, wait, come back. let me hold one of you...feed you a leaf."

"I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential."

I went to see a doctor and all he did was suck blood from my neck. Man, stay away from Dr. Acula.

When I was a boy I had a paper route. I used to go to 2,000 houses.......or two dumpsters. Which ever came first.

I was staying in a hotel and my buddy asked to use the phone. He asked if he needed to dial 9, and I said ...yeah.... especially if it's in the number. You could try doing 4 and 5 back to back really quickly, but I don't think that'd work.
Robyn - If you ever get lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. You would have severely improved your predicament.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl who'd be pissed at me for saying that.

I saw a jar of jelly beans and a sign that said guess show many and win a prize. I dont want a prize, I just want some jelly beans. Guess how many I want- if you said a handful, you'd be correct.

"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck."

"An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"

"I don't want to be a race-car driver. I want to be a race-car passenger. Just the guy who bugs the driver. 'Say, man...can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we have to keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy...you really like Tide.'"

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Fuck you! Sit closer to the salt!"

"I was gonna get my teeth whitened, but I said Fuck it, I'll just get a tan instead!"

"I saw a wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude -- you have to wait!"

" I got a new hat a few weeks ago. Noticed a label on the inside of it. It read, in big red, white, and blue lettering: "CAP AMERICA" ...then in smaller blue lettering..."made in china".

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go cart with my ex-landlord.

When I think of a duck's friends I think of other ducks, but he could have like a beaver in tow. Because if you're an animal, you want a beaver as a friend, because they have some kick ass houses. That shit is on the lake. Lake side? Fuck that! Lake ON!

"If I had a friend who was a tight rope walker and one day while walking down the street he tripped, I'd find that completely unacceptable."